she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
