Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I understand Curling. That high.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
