This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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