i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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