Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
