shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
