Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
