Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
