I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
