If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
