just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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