I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
