3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
