Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Send help, water and tortillas.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
