sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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