it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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