I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
