I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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