Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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