Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
