You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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