I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
