if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
