My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
