Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
