i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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