I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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