I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
