the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
