worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am one with the molecules
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
