She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
