someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
