why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
