Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
