tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
