The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
