Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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