if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
