My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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