Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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