I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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