Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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