I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you would pick up someone in the library
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
