i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
