I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
