Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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