What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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