Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sorry my hands just texted you
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
