why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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