Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
