Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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