getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
