I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
