Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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