so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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