I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
