i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
