Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
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and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
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I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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